Saturday, September 24, 2011

Did The Terminator Murder Lord Lucan?

JUST when you thought it was safe to venture onto the streets of Britain clutching your mobile phone and listening to your hack-free voicemail messages comes news that the News Of The World has re-surfaced as an Internet newspaper that looks like continuing in the finest tradition of the late great Sunday tabloid put to rest by James Murdoch.

And it has some extraordinary news stories worthy of that great organ that specialised in errant vicars dabbling with choir boys and so on.

For instance the lead story claims the former Governator of California and famous movie star Arnold Schwarzenegger may have been the monster who bashed an innocent nanny to death on the staircase of a Belgravia townhouse, mistaking her for Lady Lucan, and then in order to cover up his crime, murdered the infamous Lord Lucan, gathered up his body and dumped it in the grave he had earlier prepared for the body of the good Lady.

Diane Passage
And there the Lord has lain since-not as previous theories have claimed, hiding out in Goa, Bali, South Africa or Zimbabwe. Murdered by the Terminator who it's claimed, worked as a gambling debt collector in London in 1970s.

Publisher of the NOTW online is the colourful  Gionvanni di Steffano (a solicitor for Saddam Hussein and Muammar Gaddafi) and the editor is Michael Biggs, son of the Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs. 
 In fact the entire editorial staff of notwonline could be called 'colourful' including the food writer Hudi Hoggi, astrologer Mystic Margaret and the dashing young Royal writer Ian Strachan ( so close to the Royal Family that he has just been a guest of Her Majesty for the last few years).

There is a Society column written by Birgit Cunningham who manages a quite dizzying round of cocktail parties and a Security & Diplomatic contributor-our favourite former Monte Carlo spy master Robert Eringer  (see the Shuttle ).

Fred & Zsa Zsa
The USA Entertainment Editor is the very glamorous Diane Passage whose former career was as a stripper at the infamous Scores strip joint in New York.
Regular Shuttle readers may recall Scores is where Labor Foreign Minster spokesman and committed Christian Kevin Rudd MP dallied one night with Col Allan editor of the Murdoch tabloid New York Post, a scandal that surfaced co-incidentally just before his election as Prime Minster in 2007. Some say the publicity is what got him over the line.

But the piéce de résistance must  be the contributing US Show Business Editor, our favorite European noble Prince Frederic von Anhalt who in his spare time doubles as the husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Sadly Prinz Fred has only filed one show-biz report to newsoftheworldonline but his own life is far more exciting. Readers may recall he was found a few years ago naked and handcuffed to the steering wheel of his own Rolls Royce after a dispute with some ladies who stole his wallet. Others may recall that Freddie claimed to be the father of the baby of the late Anna Nicole Smith even though many say the former masseur "bats for the other team"

While poor Zsa Zsa at 94 years old languishes  in hospital minus a leg, the Prince's website brings us the news that David Hasslehoff's ex-wife Pamela Bach has offered her uterus for Freddy and Zsa Zsa's use  in order an heir may be produced.

Ronnie Biggs
There's even a choice quote from Ms Bach's representatives on Prince Freddy : "we refuse to acknowledge the ramblings of this delusional man who has done nothing more than plant a fictional tale in a desperate attempt for attention ". 

There is a nice symmetry to the stories carried by newsoftheworldonline including the claim former British government minister John Stonehouse (who was arrested in Australia after he faked his own death-initially on suspicion of being Lord Lucan) was the mastermind of the Great Train Robbery in which the online newspaper editor's father Ronnie was a participant.
Rebekah Brooks -eat you heart out !